Pregnancy Reflections

For some reason my pregnancy has been closer to the front of my mind the past few days. I'm usually able to think about it without immediately crying (or even crying at all) lately.

I made it to church this past Sunday for the first time since things got rough. I had tried to go the week before, and I made it in the door, and then started crying hard enough that I didn't want to stay. Something about being around a big group of people who know you and love you, just made me too emotional to get it under control. Ah well. This Sunday was going okay, I only got teary-eyed a few times, but I held it back and got it under control. Made it until the 2nd to last worship song, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a very pregnant woman sit down in my peripheral vision. Lasted about 10 seconds, and then I started bawling. Got it together by the end of worship. It was good to be back in church, and I felt like it was a "hurdle" that I had to get past. God and I have had plenty of conversations throughout this whole thing, but not in a "corporate worship" setting.

I've been thinking back on all my thoughts while I was pregnant. It wasn't nearly as easy as I had thought it would be (the actual being pregnant part). I started having symptoms well before I knew I was pregnant. I was nauseous off and on for the first 2 weeks, and then pretty much every day after that. Not ever enough to throw up, but enough to feel like crap. I was exhausted come evening every night. I had the most amazing sense of smell ever. I could smell EVERYTHING. It wasn't like it was bad smells, I could just detect smells way before everyone else. Plus the crying jags out of nowhere. Of course, there were all the other things (cramping, spotting, bleeding) that I am attributing to the pregnancy not going well, so I won't count those as symptoms. Of course, I would have all those back tenfold if I could still be pregnant, and will actually be excited to feel them again when I get pregnant again. I'm still not sure how to do this next time and not be flipping out the whole time expecting it to happen again. I'm kind of waiting on some revelation as time goes by. My OB says it will be natural to be worried it will happen again, but I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, which is where I am right now. Hoping that subsides as time goes by.

I have still been having "episodes" at night. I've always had problems sleep talking and/or walking (to a much lesser extent). However, almost every night I have had some kind of sleep talking/crying etc that wakes Chris up. A few nights he said that I was crying/whimpering in my sleep and he couldn't get me to calm down or wake up. Another night he woke up to me pacing in front of the bed for 10 minutes, and couldn't get me to lay down. I talked to the doctor, and he gave me some sleeping pills (the ones that start with AMB****) but they actually made it worse. Chris said I was up 4-5 times instead of just once. I don't remember any of these at all. If I take tyl.enol pm I seem to sleep through the night, but I feel very foggy in the morning and have a rough time getting going. They have been getting less lately, so I'm hoping they will go back down to normal on their own within a few more weeks.

I got a thin wooden box from the Hobby Lobby and painted it a cooper color. We are going to use it as a memory box for the pregnancy. I know it didn't last very long, but I know that I will never forget the dates in my whole life, and I think it will help to have them written down and recognized. I'm hoping that is another step that will help me feel a little more settled. Something tangible to hold on to and/or put away.

Reading back over this post, it may seem like I'm not doing as well as I am. I'm at least able to spend enough time to get my feelings down in writing. Before I couldn't even get that far. I was definitely allowing myself to feel, but I was mostly keeping it to myself and Chris. I told Chris the other night that I don't feel like I have anything left to give anyone but he and I. And I'm okay with that for right now.

***I didn't make it through this post without crying. But they are less painful tears, and more cleansing.