Friday, September 05, 2008

Hollow

A lot has happened since I last posted. We drove back from GA on a Sunday (Aug 10). I had suspected that something funky was going on with my cycle because my period hadn't really started. I had already taken a pregnancy test before we left for vacation, and it was negative. However, I took another test when we got home. To my great surprise, it was positive. I was unbelievably happy and surprised. Since I hadn't been expecting this, I hadn't thought of a way of telling Chris. He was getting ready for bed, and was watching TV in bed. I just walked in and turned the TV off and handed him the test. All he said was WOW for about 5 minutes. There were tears and laughing and smiles.

So I was happy pregnant for about 2 days. And then I started having some spotting and cramping. On Thursday (Aug 14) I went to the ER and then did an ultrasound and some blood work. We were there almost the whole day. They were able to see the gestational sac, and it looked like my HCG level was good. I just took it easy the next day, and then on Saturday went back to get a second blood test. I was still spotting a little bit, but not a lot. But on Sunday morning I started bleeding much heavier and passing clots. We went back to the hospital and went to Labor and Delivery Triage. They did another ultrasound, and blood tests. My levels were still going up, and they could still see the gestational sac. They said it was too early to see a heartbeat, but wanted me to come in later that week for a viability ultrasound on a more sophisticated ultrasound machine. On Wednesday I had a follow up appointment for the ER visit with my OB. They did ANOTHER ultrasound, but didn't see anything new. But the doctor told me that he suspected that when they got the blood work back, it would show that my levels weren't going up like they should, and that I was probably in the middle of a miscarriage. I had been bleeding some everyday since Saturday night. Needless to say I was devastated. My doctor told me not to give up yet, but he wanted me to be prepared. But he called me that night to say that my levels were still going up appropriately. I went to the viability ultrasound that Friday. They could still see the gestational sac, and measured a fetal pole about 2 mm. They also were able to see a sub-chorionic hemorrhage right next to the gestation sac. They suspected that this is what was causing the bleeding. The baby wasn't big enough to measure a heartbeat yet, so they scheduled me for ANOTHER viability ultrasound the next Friday. At this point, my emotions are just all over the map. I had started the grief process only to have some give me hope. I didn't want to get too excited, and then have that pulled away at the last minute. I had all the normal pregnancy symptoms (nausea, soreness, tiredness). Which made me hopeful.

On Friday August 29th I had another viability ultrasound. I had actually had my original "screening"appointment at my OB the day before, and they had taken another blood sample. At the ultrasound they checked the results of the blood work, and my hcg levels were still going up, but not nearly enough. When they did the ultrasound, they could see that the gestational sac had collapsed. My doctor came in and told that I had had an incomplete miscarriage. I could either go home and let it finish on its own, or they could give me some medicine to finish the process. I went ahead and got the medicine. I had been dealing with this for so long, the idea of it going on any longer would make me crazy. I needed some closure so that I could start to deal with everything. Friday was invariably the longest day of my life. So much pain emotionally and physically.

Since then I have had some okay days and some bad days. I'm trying to just let myself feel everything without judging myself. I haven't really gotten angry. It is mostly just extreme sadness and frustration. I have been having some nightmares, so I'm thinking about talking to the doctor about sleeping pills. I haven't really been able to think very clearly about the future. I know that we are going to wait at least a few months so that everything can heal appropriately (emotions and body).

Most of the time I'm just feeling kind of hollow.

4 comments:

Brittanie said...

I am so sorry. I know you are probably getting a lot of those. I have not been where you are but I will certainly pray for you as you heal.

allier said...

I will pray for you Sarah. There are not words to say, just my thoughts to you. How difficult a time-if you ever need to talk just e mail me anytime.

The Fiskeaux Family said...

I wish there were words I could offer that would help you cope. I've been there myself, so I won't write much. God give you and Chris peace and relief and rest and a sense of His presence.

Natalie said...

Sarah - your story mirrors mine almost exactly - only mine was in February. I know the emotions you're dealing with and all I can say is that at some point it does get better. You'll still cry, still hurt and still wonder why, but it does get better. Please feel free to e-mail me or whatever if you want someone to talk to who's been exactly where you are...